Recently, I decided to update my resume to include all of the skills I’ve acquired thanks to motherhood. Perhaps you think that’s a silly thing to do but I must staunchly disagree! In fact, about halfway through, I realized: the Army should totally be recruiting moms. Aside from our ability to grow and sustain a human life all on our own, we can do some pretty amazing things.
Don’t believe me? Consider our resume:
- We speak fluent toddler (an ancient and incredibly varied language), though, we choose to not understand “Whining Child” dialects.
- Mothers of teenagers are also masters of body language. So, whether it’s a shrug, grunt, or eye roll, we know what you meant…and you better watch your tone.
- We can deactivate an (emotional) time-bomb in 9 seconds flat.
- We have successfully negotiated multiple peace treaties with tiny, irrational dictators.
- We can withstand hours of incessant interrogation without cracking or caving.
- We have magical healing kisses.
- We have zero gag reflexes when dealing with all manner of bodily fluids.
- We can find anything you’ve lost, most likely because we had to pick it up after you.
- Eating cold food and eating it fast is not a problem. It’s every meal ever.
- We can stop you dead in your tracks with a single look and if that doesn’t work, we can count to three in such a commanding voice you won’t get past two and a half.
- While it’s true we can tune out relentless, high volume sounds and carry on an intimate conversation over coffee, we can also immediately discern which crying kid is ours in a crowd.
- We are mathematical GENUISES. Do you know the rate at which an infant-wearing mommy must run to intercept a falling toddler from the top of an average dining room table? No? Well, we do.
- We can smell a lie a mile away.
- Should one of our squad members neglect to call us at the agreed upon time, we can simultaneously imagine EVERY POSSIBLE SCENARIO and map out a series of necessary action steps should any one of them turn out to be….oh, no wait, there they are! Good!
- We can operate on little-to-no sleep FOR YEARS and still make sound enough decisions to keep our squad alive.
- We can (ever-so-gently) wrestle surprisingly strong, flailing bodies into car seats, bathtubs, and on to examining tables.
- Anything you can do, we can do better- and we can do it while nursing/balancing a bottle against our chin.
- We can carry a backpack, purse, nap mat, and infant carrier while securely holding our toddler’s hands…in heels.
- We have unparalleled stamina. We can cheer at all the games, drive to all the places, fold all the laundry, make all the meals, and we can do this all before noon.
- We can live with our hearts walking around outside of our bodies. Nothing could be more vulnerable or courageous than that.
So there you have it: the reasons the Army should be actively recruiting moms. Raising kids is hard, mama friends, and whether you’re raising one or ten, I salute you!
What skills would you add to this list? I’d love to hear them!