My personality being what it is, I struggle with people pleasing. I have heard it, more favorably stated that I desire “peace at all costs”. I am a wave maker to prove a point, blunt and extremely straight forward, but far be it for me to know that I have stepped on toes or caused waves that were not intended. A HUGE struggle of mine is guilt! Guilt when I must rely on others! Well, anyone other than myself! These quirks in my personality have been something that the Lord has decided to smash a “challenge of blessing” straight into.
About 18 months ago, our son was rushed to Children’s Medical in Dallas because of a grand mal seizure that wouldn’t stop. Extensive testing revealed that he has an extremely rare neurological disorder called Sturge Weber Syndrome. This disease creates a gradual loss of grey matter in the brain due to vascular abnormalities which also put him at a very high risk for stroke. Layman’s terms, his brain is shrinking! You would never know it by looking at this sweet, hilarious 3 year old, that most of his left parietal lobe is gone and is gradually creeping towards the occipital and temporal lobes. If you don’t remember sophomore Anatomy and Physiology, these lobes control motor control, vision and hearing. Our little man thus far however, has no noticeable issues….yet. The neurologists have told us that we are up against an invisible clock meaning, we don’t know how this will effect him over time or how quickly, but the deterioration has already been substantial since our diagnosis.
During our first hospital admission, the outpouring from our, then new, church family, our church family and friends back home in NY, as well as, so many other family members and friends, was extraordinary! The prayers, cards, offers for meals, and the financial gifts for us was overwhelming! It blessed us but also, over time, put us in a humbling and I’m ashamed to say, embarrassed and guilty position. People wanting to love on our family and bless us in the love of Christ, poured blessings over our heads and in our hands because of their sweet and pure desire to “just do SOMETHING”. Just recently, my sweet boy was recommended for Make a Wish by our doctors, and was approved. One more reason this post was on my heart…we just returned from his wish trip to Disney World to meet Mickey, and have yet again been awed and humbled by the response, support and love of others!
In this post, I ask questions of myself, or anyone of us that has had to eat some serious humble pie. My situation was a sick kiddo. Yours may look like food stamps or medicaid because of hitting an unforeseen hard financial place in life. It may look like a heath decline for yourself that forces a
reliance on others. You may be in a season of a difficult pregnancy or deciding to listen to your body’s need to slow and accept help in a difficult postpartum transition and recovery period (physically, emotionally, mentally or all 3). The question…how do we do this ladies?? How do we watch others bend over backwards, give of themselves, their time, their money, their hearts, all for us?! How do we walk around with our heads up knowing that we can’t provide “well enough”? How do we “do life” when we can’t do what we are “supposed to”?!
I write this very transparently searching for an answer myself. As I do so, I hear the voice of a mentor and a few close friends who have taken time to pour truth into and over me regarding this dilemma. This is first of all a time of teaching…or really, learning! WHAT AM I LEARNING? As a Christian, I begin to focus on certain questions. Am I learning the humility that I believe God is setting me up to and desiring to make an innate part of my character as I walk this particular walk? Am I seeking to please man over living the life He has placed in front of me in the abundance that He promises? Am I attempting to live up to my own expectations of what it should look like as I live this life or am I aligning my expectations with the truth of who I am in my salvation and who HE asks me to be as a wife, mother, daughter, sister in Christ etc…? Am I walking in true gratitude for the blessings that He sends thru the hands and hearts of other? You may have a slightly different view on why we go thru things we do in life, but the focus on learning, changing, growing, gratitude and humility, I’m sure, are never far off.
As I close this post and set off on memory lane thinking about our Make a Wish train of Disney magic, I see Him! I believe Father God is allowing me time to breathe! I got to walk away from our reality of seizures, doctors and the kind but pity-filled looks of others who know our hard situation, and just be a family on an adventure. As the food stamp card gets swiped…AGAIN, or the Medicaid card is given to one more doctor, take that breath that is momentarily being given to you in your finances. As one more friend or family member offers to wash or fold some laundry while you nap….breathe sister, breathe!
As one more sweet older lady from church offers to fry you some chicken or make you a roast, breathe in that blessing. Feel the slightest ease from your gasping to grasp control of the situation.
Again I say, breath sister, breathe!
I’m breathing with you!!!